


there’s nothing i hear louder than the words i never said

by phantomrider (Dayna_Jurgens)



Series: After it All [1]
Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: AU where Eleanor/Tahani were soulmates when they were alive, Angst, F/F, chidi is a really good best friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 19:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12394833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dayna_Jurgens/pseuds/phantomrider
Summary: Based on a headcanon that was brought to my blog and proceeded to wreck my soul so naturally I had to write it: au where Eleanor and Tahani were soulmates on Earth when they were alive but when they’re in “The Good Place” they’re not, Eleanor doesn’t handle it too well when she finds out but also thinks it’s best for Tahani’s happiness to be with who she thinks is her true soulmate since they’re in The Good Place and all





	there’s nothing i hear louder than the words i never said

**Author's Note:**

> Headcanon this is based off of is found here: http://elizabethhawkes.tumblr.com/post/166200992425/i-swear-ill-stop-but-for-now-for-your
> 
> (Eleanor pov, but if people like it I might be persuaded to do one from Tahani’s pov) 
> 
> (title from ‘No Peace in Quiet’ by the band that owns my soul Delta Rae, you guys should really listen to that song if you want full heartbreak effect) 
> 
> shout out to my best friend in the whole world and the only person i can take criticism from without wanting to cry, @bannedfromzoos, thank you for editing this and reigning in my mess

Eleanor didn’t know what to expect from the afterlife but waking up in a waiting room was definitely not even in the top five possibilities. 

And yet here she was.

But wherever here was she wasn’t sure how she got there, just a foggy memory of driving home from the store and a challenge for a yellow light and then nothing. She’d have to remember to ask about that later because right now she kind of feels like she should be paying attention to the old dude behind the desk. She really should be paying attention to what it’s been saying. 

Something about The Good Place, she caught that much. Which was reassuring in a sense but Eleanor squinted her eyes nonetheless. _Good Place?_ That couldn’t be right, but what idiot would turn down a free ride to heaven?

Losers. And Eleanor Shellstrop was no loser. So zipped lips all the way.

Now the old dude, Michael apparently, was gesturing her out the door and showing her around the neighborhood. There was lot of cookie places, like, _a lot_ , like Starbucks on every corner on Earth a lot. And they all had stupid names: The Cookie Crumbles, Chips Ahoy (that one seemed to have an ocean theme), One Smart Cookie, Tough Cookie (which also maybe doubled as a gym), and even one that seemed to specialize in fortune cookies. They were all bad. And weird. And weirdly bad. 

But again, zipped lips Eleanor, free ride.

She was shown her house and she almost gave up eternal paradise right then and there to avoid spending eternity in a dinky little house full of horrible clowns. It was almost as if someone had crawled into her brain and picked out everything she hated and crammed it all into two of the smallest rooms she had ever seen. She hated it, everything about it, and really hated everything about everything since she arrived here but she plastered on her smile and thanked Michael profusely and took it all in stride.

Even her soulmate.

Because apparently those were a thing here, and it was required, and it was about as horrible as an experience as she expected because this person, Chris (who really liked going to the forking gym, that was another thing she hated, she couldn’t say fork, cursing was like her third favorite thing to do after sex and drinking), seemed like a really nice dude. He had a kind smile and shook her hand when she offered it. He was conventionally attractive (okay, he was shredded which was kind of a positive because if she was stuck with him for the time being at least he had that going for him) and it was just a weird first day because Michael left after that and Chris stayed and Eleanor awkwardly gestured around the clown house hoping that that would be enough to scare the dude away because she didn’t want this. She didn’t want him. She didn’t even know if she could pretend with him. 

He wasn’t Tahani.

If soulmates were real then why wasn’t Tahani here with her. They were so happy on Earth and alive, _that must be it, she’s still alive_. Eleanor was grateful for that much, she could be dead and in The Good Place and Tahani would join her here when it was time and this whole soulmate nonsense would be corrected because there was no way in hell (interesting that she could still say that here) that Tahani wasn’t her soulmate. Eleanor wasn’t one to throw the word love around, and she hated letting people in, but Tahani? Oh, Tahani was indeed her one great love, her soulmate, and the one and only good and right thing Eleanor had ever done in her life. She would never admit it, not even to Tahani, but sometimes when they lay together at night in the safety of the dark she would watch Tahani sleep and think about how lucky she was to have found her other half. Then she would feel disgusted with herself, only a little though, because how cliché. 

They met on a Thursday at the liquor store (somehow their story always ended up involving liquor) and all Eleanor wanted was her usual haul of booze for the week but this forking beautiful skyscraper was in front of her in the only open line and trying to convince the poor man to cut the price of her purchase in half because it was “for a charitable event” she was throwing. Eleanor rolled her eyes and scoffed and then promptly had the wind knocked out of her when said beautiful skyscraper turned to face her.

Because whoa.

Beautiful may have been an understatement but Eleanor never paid much attention in English class so who gave a fork about synonyms and poetic nonsense and all that. But this woman in front of her was pretty much utterly, frustratingly perfect and well that accent? Are you forking kidding me with that? Legs for day, smelling like flowers and honey (even in a disgusting sticky liquor store whose primary smell was stale beer), _and_ an accent that makes your knees weak? Yeah, okay so Eleanor was maybe more than a little smitten right then and there. 

She never told Tahani.

There were a lot of things Eleanor never got to tell Tahani and now probably never would. She hoped Tahani knew it all anyway though. 

After that first meeting at the store Eleanor did a little digging and crashed the event to which landed her a date with the beautiful skyscraper. Tahani. It was even a pretty name and Eleanor liked the way she said it. Eleanor like the way she said a lot of things, especially _her_ name. Especially in that certain way someone does late at night when they’re just on the verge of feeling _too much_ and there’s hands in her hair tugging her closer and heels digging into her back and then her name from those perfect lips in that perfect accent. Eleanor never cared much for her name until she heard Tahani say it then and she crawled back up Tahani’s body, leaving soft kisses along the way on her favorite birthmarks she found, remembering them because this was a one-time deal, one and done was her policy, no exceptions, and then Tahani sighed contently and Eleanor held her until she fell asleep so she could slip away.

And then maybe Eleanor did in fact develop one exception to her one and done policy.

Except she didn’t care and neither were completely upset about the fact either. In fact, it almost seemed like it was supposed to happen this way. 

They only grew closer after that, Eleanor attending big galas, and almost assuredly embarrassing Tahani at some point by drinking too much or eating too much or something else Eleanor-esque. Which her girlfriend learned that _this_ was Eleanor normal, and that just the mere fact Eleanor even attended was important and huge. Tahani would smile at her fondly and go about her networking, or whatever it was she did. Eleanor had to be honest, she never did figure out what Tahani actually did for a living, she only knew it was done well.

Eleanor remembered the first time they said _that_ word, the big “G” word. Eleanor hated labels on her relationships so of course Tahani was the first one to slip up. She introduced Eleanor to her parents as her girlfriend and Eleanor froze, but then her parents opened their mouths and it turned out they were a huge bag of dinks. An even bigger bag of dinks than her own parents, and that’s saying something. They said some really not supportive things to which Eleanor nearly planted one on Tahani right there but thought it might be a bit too much (also she couldn’t smoothly reach Tahani’s lips even in heels). Instead she grabbed Tahani’s hand and said, “Come on baby, you’re better than this. Let’s go have fun at this thing you planned all by yourself. It’s amazing, just like you.” and pulled her out to the dance floor. As long as it made Tahani smile like that should would let their relationship have whatever label she wanted.

Eleanor was never one for relationships, she grew bored with them after a few months at most, days at least, but never with Tahani. Tahani always kept her on her toes, kept things new and fun and unpredictable and she could be so densely narcissistic and frustrating and stubborn but if Tahani could like her for all of her faults (and Eleanor admitted she had a lot of them) then why couldn’t she accept Tahani’s? They balanced each other out. It was never a perfect life, they had arguments like all couples do but they would always make up (and it was always Eleanor’s favorite part, she was really really good at making Tahani say her name again in _that_ way, multiple times, Eleanor didn’t want to toot her own horn but her apologies were pretty forking great) but it was a life Eleanor loved nonetheless.

Another thing she would never get to tell Tahani. That she loved her. They’d been together almost two full years and they were always dancing around the word, both too afraid of the power it had; either make things forever or bring it all down. Neither wanted to be the one to take that step first because any other time they heard it in their life the good would end or it was filled with empty sentiment. No, every time they heard the word love it was associated with something bad. Neither really understood what it meant until they had each other, both of their home lives were less than loving and they were each other’s longest relationships so to finally put a name that dangerous and wild to what they were feelings was scary. 

But sitting here in the dying light of, well, whatever the natural light was in The Good Place Eleanor regretted not saying it. She placed her hand over her heart, the ache she felt was deep and real. Her other half was not here and she was alone. She took the rest of the day in her dinky clown house to mourn what she was missing.

***

Curiosity got the better of her on day two though, which she was surprised she lasted that long, and she found herself at Michael’s door. “Michael can I ask how I died?”

He hesitated a moment before leading her inside his plain office for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. “Ah, yes, you were hit by a bus on your way home from shopping for liquor.”

Eleanor nodded. “That makes sense. So, I assume the people I left behind, well, person. Singular. She’s okay? Being taken care of and all that?”

She watched Michael go silent, which for him was new, and for her was terrifying. She had only known this man less than a day and knew that when he went silent it probably wasn’t great. “You… weren’t alone in the car, Eleanor. Remember?” And all at once the memory flooded her brain. Tahani looking through her magazine, yelling about how her stupid sister was mentioned 53 times in the first twenty pages alone and Eleanor nodded along because she understood family woe better than anyone, and she was paying more attention to Tahani’s words (as she was inclined to do) and less attention to the road and there was a yellow light that she tried to beat but there was also a giant bus coming from her left that didn’t brake (she was glad, she remembered, that she took the brunt of the force) and then she woke up in Michael’s office. 

But if what Michael was telling her was true then Tahani was here.

No, that didn’t make sense. Their love was too great on Earth so certainly if she were here they would be soulmates here too like she was certain they were when they were alive. “Where. I mean. Is…” Eleanor swallowed thickly. “Tahani. Is she here?”

“Janet?” Michael called the robot lady and asked for a file which she promptly handed over. “Tahani al Jamil.” His eyes scanned the paper. “Yes, she’s here, she lives one street over from you, the biggest house in the neighborhood. Have… have you not introduced yourself to your neighbors yet?”

“I’ve literally been here for two days, people aren’t my thing.” She couldn’t help but snap. Nothing made sense now. Except for the biggest house, because of course. “Why… why isn’t she my soulmate?”

“Oh, soulmates are based on algorithms and I guess you two just weren’t compatible.” The way he said it, the way he so carelessly wrote off their story made Eleanor want to scream, throw things, something to show her frustration, she didn’t know. She _did_ know that she just couldn’t be here in this terrible bland office for one more second. Instead she rose from the chair, tipping it over in the process, _fork you_ she thought _and fork this whole system_ , and stormed out of the building. 

To her credit Eleanor didn’t go straight to Tahani’s like she wanted, she took the long way back to her stupid house with her stupid soulmate who was probably at the stupid gym anyway. She only stopped at Twist and Shout for an extra-large package of her favorite cookies to wallow in her misery. She’d have to call the robot lady for some alcohol later but for now cookies would have to suffice. 

“Big plans, huh?”

Eleanor spun at the voice behind her, a man, not much taller than her, kind of cute in a nerdy way, glasses and all, stood behind her with a sweet smile. It almost made her heart ache less. “Sorry?”

“The, uh, extra-large batch. Throwing a party?” The man must have realized he was intruding on something. “Sorry, you just looked sad. And new. I’m Chidi.” He stuck his hand out and Eleanor begrudgingly took it. 

“Well Chibi you hit it on the head. Both of those things, thanks for the concern but I got this.” Eleanor gathered her bag. “Now to head back to my sad clown house and drown my sadness in some good old never let me down oreos.” She didn’t wait for a reply, she felt a little bad but she didn’t have the strength. She just wanted to lay down for a while.  
And Tahani. She wanted Tahani too but apparently that was out of the question.

She spent the night getting drunk and cramming her face with cookies like she was going through a break up which she supposed in a sense she was. But maybe not. Who knew anymore, this place sucked. She knew she didn’t belong here, she wasn’t a good person on Earth, there had to be a mistake somewhere. Not for the first time she thought this might be a trick, a dream-like coma hallucination like she would sometimes see on tv, or maybe even The Bad Place. That didn’t make sense though, not if Tahani was here, she was most assuredly Good Place material. Full of herself, yes, but not Bad Place worthy. No, this was The Good Place as sore as it made Eleanor to accept, and she would have to deal. 

If Tahani was here and happy, well then, that’s all that mattered. Not too hard of a trade off if Eleanor was being honest with herself.

She fell asleep that night, a restless sleep, curled up on the couch covered in crumbs. 

***

Every night after that was more or less the same but the days she tried to mix up a little. Sometimes she would stroll into the square and sit at the milk fountain and watch people. Sometimes she would just walk the side streets (carefully avoiding _that_ street) and smiling weakly at her neighbors, and sometimes she would trade a few more words with Chidi at Twist and Shout (which also was apparently his favorite cookie shop too). At least she had a maybe friend so that was one thing she had going for her.

She caught her first glimpse of Tahani on her sixth day of exploring. She decided to people watch in the square until the sun turned the milk a pretty orange color. Nothing was prettier than Tahani though. She looked radiant, the afterlife looked good on her (everything looked good on her) she had a floral printed dress happily talking to a group of people about a party she was throwing that night at her house just outside of town. 

Eleanor left pretty quickly after that, slipping away in the crowd before Tahani’s eyes scanned the square.

Stalking was beneath her, or so she thought. At least it was when she was alive but now it was like she had gotten a taste of something sweet and she wanted more. She couldn’t stop. The one thing she had been dreading she was now seeking out, taking longer walks through the town, hoping for that sweet glimpse of a floral dress or a breathy laugh or beautifully cascading hair or a hint of perfume. She hated that she sunk so low in the Good Place but at least she didn’t go knocking on Tahani’s door and throw a wrench in her perfect afterlife.

But thinking about something long enough was pretty much a sure fire way to guarantee you were going to do it.

She was proud of herself for lasting as long as she did though, about two weeks after her talk with Michael she left the house with a purpose for once. Letting her feet carry her with confidence she didn’t really feel to Tahani’s palace, and that’s what it was, a forking palace, it took up almost an entire block with the lawn and gardens sprawling beautifully down to the street. She couldn’t think of a more perfect place for Tahani and she stood down by the end of the drive just admiring the gardens, hoping for _something_.

She regretted the day’s decision almost immediately.

Tahani was home for once, tending to her flowers, of course flowers (their apartment was always covered in flowers; real flowers, floral patterns, bright and beautiful like Tahani and Eleanor never argued, anything that made Tahani smile like that she could deal with, plus her apartment never looked so good). She wore a beautiful blue sundress (she always looked good in blue) and a hat that was far too wide and if Eleanor had her voice she would have picked on her about it but all she could do was stand at the gate and flounder because here was the love of her life living another life without her. 

Then she saw _him_ , Tahani’s supposed soulmate. A monk by the looks of things, silent, nodding along happily to whatever Tahani was going on about. At least she had that, someone to listen to her. He was good looking and seemed mild mannered and pleasant company which made Eleanor’s hands ball up in frustration. She watched in silent horror as the monk carelessly plucked a rose from a bush and passed it over to Tahani who took it with a wide, adoring smile Eleanor was used to only seeing aimed at her. It felt like a knife to her chest. 

If a simple smile hurt then the kiss on the cheek that followed ripped whatever was left to shreds. She must have made a noise then because Tahani’s head snapped in her direction and Eleanor didn’t know what she wanted more, ignorance or recognition. Both seemed like a horrible but equal possibility. 

“Eleanor?”

Recognition it was then.

No. No this was all wrong. This wasn’t how she wanted them to see each other for the first time. She wanted it to be grand and like those stupid rom-coms and French films Tahani would make her watch. No, not like this, not because she couldn’t control her emotions. No. Eleanor spun on her heel and tried to walk away as fast as she could and regroup.

She failed take into account just how forking long Tahani’s legs were and soon she was being stopped in the middle of the street face to face with the love of her life. It felt like that first day at the liquor store all over again. “It is you. My god you are real.” Eleanor wanted to run, she wanted out of this situation but Tahani’s hands were on her, all over her face, her shoulders, and that touch felt like heaven. That was her Good Place. “I… I thought I saw you, in the square by that cheap little milk fountain but I thought I was just seeing things. How?”

“Apparently, when you said I should pay more attention to the road I actually should have listened.”

“No, I know that how. Michael told me that how. I mean,” Tahani opened her mouth and closed it again. 

“Tahani al Jamil at a loss for words. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” Eleanor paused. “Well, I guess technically I never did get to _live_ to see the day but you know.” Tahani laughed and Eleanor heard angels sing. “So, um, nice place you got here. Very you.” She shuffled her foot and tried everything in her power to stop the next words from erupting from her. “Nice soulmate too. He looks like a nice dude.”

She watched Tahani swallow hard and she regretted coming here even more. “Jianyu. Yes, he’s, he’s a Taiwanese monk. Um, apparently he’s taken a vow of silence because he hasn’t said one word to me since we got here but he’s very kind and doting.” Eleanor had to look away because Tahani’s eyes were full of apology and regret and pain and it took everything in her power to not grab her and hold her and drag her inside that giant house and use every single room to make those bad feelings go away. 

Instead she took a step back. “I’m glad, you deserve good things Tahani. Even if I can’t be the one to give them to you. I’m glad you’re not alone.”

“Eleanor, why…”

Eleanor didn’t want that sentence finished. Why what? There were so many whys. Why did she come? Why had she taken so long to get there? Why weren’t they kissing? Why wasn’t she saying all the things she wanted when they were alive? Why was she just rolling over and giving up her great love without a fight? Why did she think she could beat a bus in the first place? No, _this_ was too much and she took another step back and watched Tahani fold in on herself. 

Guilt tasted copper in her mouth.

“Just, be happy Tahani.” Was the last thing she said before turning and all but running away, she didn’t even look back knowing if she did she would cave. She knew she would go back and sweep Tahani up in her arms (as best she could) and say all the ‘be with mes’ and ‘fork soulmates’ and ‘I love yous’ (god, all the I love yous) she could fit between kisses, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t, do that to Tahani. Tahani needed this house and her soulmate and to enjoy the Good Place to its fullest extent. She deserved that and Eleanor spilling her guts all over the street would make all that evaporate for her because they never could say no to each other and Tahani didn’t need all of her mess, her stupid clown house and her obvious misplacement here and just her general Eleanor-ness. 

So Eleanor kept walking and didn’t stop until her legs burned and she walked some more back to her house.

She didn’t leave the house much after that. Chidi started bringing her cookies to her (apparently, she had the only sad clown house in the Good Place) and he would stay long into the night and listen to her cry about everything. Not for the first time she was grateful for him, for having a best friend, she supposed they could call each other that much now. He would also give her updates on Tahani when she was strong enough to ask. She always hated the response; ‘she was in the square today with Jianyu holding hands’ or ‘she was buying out Cookie Crumbles for a party, she looked right in her element’ or the one time he told her that she saw Tahani and Jianyu having a romantic evening stroll on his way over’ (she kicked him out after that one, she felt a little bad).

Tahani was happy. It was a mantra in her head now. Tahani was happy and that’s all that mattered.

She still felt empty though. Nothing was right about this, everything she had been through since her arrival felt akin to torture. _Wait_. Eleanor squinted her eyes at the clown mural on her ceiling and let her thoughts turn to Tahani and her soulmate and the little disasters she noticed since she had arrived and the little things Chidi would tell her about his uneasiness in some of the situations he was in. It all clicked then, late one night (or early morning, who could tell anymore what that stupid fake sun was doing), and she sat up with a jolt, knocking Chidi off the end of the sofa (he had fallen asleep during one of their movie marathons), “Holy motherforking shirtballs.”

_SNAP!_

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me or convince me to write more: elizabethhawkes.tumblr.com
> 
> update: there's more coming. i think it's going to be three main parts, next will be tahani's pov of this fic, and then because i love them too much i have to give them a happy ending (plus since it's nano next month i plan on writing and expanding on little bits of fluffy moments for them)
> 
> so if you guys want expect a bit more from me (also i think i may be starting to take prompts for them so drop by my ask box and leave me an idea and i'll see what i can do)


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